Well sports fans, the handwringing time is over, dry your eyes and get ready for some SEC football once again. Don’t you just love this time of year? Everyone has high hopes and everyone is tied for first place. But by the end of this first week, there are going to be a lot of losers and you’ll need to read on to see if one of them is your favorite team.
Despite being 65, 66 in just a matter of weeks, I had decided to end my years of sportswriting, but after so many letters urging me to continue, even at the smallest point, with just at least this article each week, we’ll give her a try and see if I can fit it into a very busy travel schedule.
So without any further ado, let’s get to listin’ the losers with maybe a few laughs along the way. So here we go.
Hawaii at Vanderbilt – The Commodores don’t usually sail this far west, but this might just be a trip worth taking. The Warriors have been a bit woeful of late and the Song City Swabbies have been on the uptake of late and sink the canoe clan in their home waters.
Coach Lea knows how to stifle an opposing squad and all his Swabbies have to do is manage to put off a few TD’s to send those cocoanut coo coos home crying in their poi.
So with a smile on my face, I’ll gladly prognosticate these pineapple players will be the first on the Loser’s List this fall and the SEC gets off to a good start with Larry’s Loser being Hawaii.
South Dakota at Missouri – The crappy Coyotes from the all but unpopulated state of South Dakota mosey down to Missouri to see if SEC football is really all that and a bag of chips like they’ve heard.
Now Coach Drinkwitz may not have the answers he needs this season, but there’s only one big question to answer in this game and that’s how bad will he let his Tigers trounce these poor flea bags who really just showed up for an SEC payday.
In a game that’ll be as boring as predicted here, this is why God gave us a remote so just take my word for it, put South Dakota on the Loser’s List and spend your time somewhere better suited for the TV talents.
Florida at Utah – The Gators have a handfull in this opening, when they travel way out West to try and wrangle the Utes on their own home field.
Last season Coach Napier didnt’ get the results he wanted, but he may have got the mindset started in the right direction. And while I think this’ll be an entertaining game to gander, I still think he’s missing the few key players he needs to try and have his boys chomp on this team of predominently polished players in their own pen.
Well, at least maybe they’ll make it entertaining as the other game this night won’t be. Either say this’ll be the game I’ll be watching, but in the end, it’ll be the Gators on Larry’s Loser list.
Ball State at Kentucky – The Cardinals come a calling at the Cat House, but it won’t be love they’ll be looking for at this Cat House, it’ll be a big payday and a plucking they’re showing up for and this Kitties won’t keep them waiting for either one.
Coach Stoops has these Felines playing fancy football and they just aren’t the kind of Kitty who’s gonna let a no name come in crap in their Cat Box.
So it’s just another episode of SEC plays a cremepuff to get the automatic win and once again we thank God for remote controls so we won’t have to watch it. Larry’s Loser – Ball State
Virginia at Tennessee – Now here’s a game that’s worth a gander. The Cavaliers didn’t have the season they wanted last year, but they’re not a bunch of bon bons and they could pose a bigger problems for the men in Orange than most folks think.
It’s the first game of the year afterall, and few will be firing on all cylinders so even though all the boys in Lost Wages, Nevada will tell you that this is in fact going to be a runaway, I’m just saying that a wise man knows nothing about the first game of the season is written in stone.
But we’re still confident in our prognostication and we feel that though the Vols without their Hooker won’t be as much fun, they’ll still win this one and that’ll make Larry’s Loser – Virginia
Mercer at Ole Miss – The bumbling Bears from Mercer come to Grove to gravel for a gentle beating and a big old check in yet another disappointing cupcake classic. My goodness, while I hate these games, I love how they help my picking percentage.
Still, with all the cupcake games on the schedule, if you have to watch one, this might be the one just to catch the Kiffin cute sayings and animated sideline behavior. That’s always good for a gaff.
So list up poor old Mercer on Larry’s Loser’s list and enjoy the sideline shots.
UMass at Auburn – At UMAss, they call themselves the Minute Men. That’s because that’s how long they last with their girlfriends and opponents from the SEC. So when the Men from Mass show up at Auburn for a payday and a pounding, I hope you have fresh batteries in the remote.
So new coach Hugh won’t Freeze up in this game and only time will tell if he came because he thought he could win here or just be another coach to work for ESPN while collecting millions from Auburn not to coach.
Do we really need to tell you? List up the Minute Mess from Mass on Larry’s Losers and move on to a better contest.
Western Carolina at Arkansas – Before you started reading this column, how many of you ever knew what a Catamount was? Well when this sorta mountain lion legion lines up against the Razorbacks, it won’t be the little Piggies screaming “We We We!” all the way home.
Things didn’t go as they wanted at the Pig Farm last season, but the Hogs are hoping for a few more wins this season and this cupcake contest will certainly get them off the right start.
So while the Carolina Kitties are killed by the Hogs, keep that remote hot and do a few more clicks, and try and find a real football game. Larry’s Loser – Western Carolina
SE Louisiana at Mississippi State – In this jungle, the mighty Miss jungle, the Lions sleep tonight. Yes, once you’ve sung along that little ditty, you’ll realize what I’m writing. These Louisiana Lions may as well sleepwalk through this cupcake game as the dogs are going to chew through the fur of these felines really quickly.
Zach Arnett may not know what he’s inherited from beloved and passed on Coach Mike Leach, but he’ll learn quickly and thank the past coach for leaving him a team with a lot of fight in it.
So even though it’s a cupcake game for these Bulldogs, it may be worth a watch to see how the new coach does stepping into the shoes of greatness. Larry’s loser – SE Louisiana
UT Martin at Georgia – The Skyhawks swoop into Athens and hope to leave with a few feathers left in their tushies and a great big check for their troubles, pain, and anguish. Jason Simpson says this game will be a good way to measure where his team is in terms of being season ready.
Well, it’s hard to measure backward from zero, and even without the 9-year starter, Bulldog Bennett at quarterback, Kirby’s canines won’t have any trouble piling points up on the scoreboard.
So mark this one down in the miserable column as a cupcake clash and put UT Martin on Larry’s loser’s list.
New Mexico at Texas A&M – The Lobos are loco if they think they’re walking into Texas and getting anything but a butt kicking and a big payday. These flea bitten footballers are going to get more that swatted with a newspaper in this one.
The pressure’s on Jimbo this season to show that the Aggies haven’t blown dozens of millions of dollars down the ditch. So far, that’s about how it’s looking, teetering at just over .500 in the win column with his SEC contests.
So that means Jimbo would run up the score on Our Lady of Lost Lads football team, so this will get ugly fast and stay that way. So use the remote for other endeavors and not put Texas A&M on the loser’s list.
Alabama A&M at Vanderbilt – The bumbling breed of Bullogs bus up to Song City and coach Maynor has had a lot of success over his years, but he’s wise enough to know that this is all about a big payday and a . Yes, it’s another cremepuff cakewalk.
Now the Commodores looked high and wide to find two easy wins and they did a good job. These Bulldogs are long since nutured and they’ll run for cover from kickoff to the conclusion of butt kicking. They won’t get whipped this bad since pooping on the guests shoes at Thanksgiving dinner.
So just in case you had any doubt over what the outcome will be, let me assure you that Larry’s loser will be Alabama A&M.
Middle Tennessee at Alabama – I remember the days when Saban would play big games to start the season and now they’re mired in the mud with the all the other SEC teams who are playing powderpuff teams. At least Alabama could argue that they couldn’t find a team that would want to take ’em on.
Now coach Stockstill knows that this ain’t his day and it’s all about picking up the big payday without too many ambulance rides for his players. But you can bet he will have a wrinkle or two up his sleeve and there’s still the matter of Bama not still having a boss ball slinger in the stable, so it’ll be worth the watch just to see how Saban plays his plethora of passers.
But it’s all about listing the losers and that’s an easy pick, so write in Middle Tennessee on this week’s loser’s list.
North Carolina vs South Carolina – Well they saved the best for last, as both these last two are the two to do when it comes to football fancying tonight. So when Tar Heels hope to stomp on these Carolina Cluckers, we at the Loser’s Lair see the first big upset of the day.
We see Beamer Ball is hot and these Gamecocks have a fever and the only cure is to send their cousin Carolinians home with a pounding of big peckers on their noggin. Yes, the boys in Lost Wages, Nevada don’t see it, but we do.
But it’s gonna be a nail-biter and it could go either way, but in the tough games, this is why they pay me the big bucks. Larry’s Loser – North Carolina
LSU at Florida State – Yes, I know it’s in Orlando, but if this ain’t a home cooking contest for the War Paint Players, there ain’t none nowhere. But LSU was raised on the hottest peppers in their gumbo, so nobody’s home cooking is gonna upset their stomachs or their squad.
Now what they’re doing on the warpath is tantalizing, as Mike’s men are buying into his vision quest he saw in the smoke when he took to the top teepee in Tallahassee. But Brian’s Bengals are just a little more down the road when it comes to being where they want to be.
So it won’t be the Indians taking the scalps in this one, but the Tigers triumphing over this tribe from Tallahassee. Larry’s Loser – Fla. State
So that’s it for the first official week of college football, even though Vanderbilt’s played twice. Nothing’s as it seems, is it? There’s always room to turn things around, for a loser to have his day in the sun. But sadly, nobody, not even your favorite team, can will all the time either.
So if you want the scoop before half the teams poop, then this is the place to come. We know the losers better than the choosers on the big screen and we’ve been doing it better for 20 years.
So till next week, say a prayer and thank God football’s back and you’re getting another year out of this old man whose wife is begging him to hang it up.
Larry has been writing for over 25 years and his sports articles have been published in most all the leading sites. He was Bleacher Report’s number-one college football writer and was the senior writer for Touchdown Alabama.
THIS ARTICLE IS INTENTIONALLY WRITTEN IN A COLLOQUIAL AND IRREVERENT STYLE FOR THIS SERIES OF ARTICLES. LARRY’S VIEWS AND SENSE OF HUMOR MAY OFFEND, BUT HE AIMS TO OFFEND EVERYONE EQUALLY. IF HE HASN’T INSULTED YOUR FAVORITE TEAM WITH LARRY’S LOSERS, JUST WAIT. FOLLOW LARRY ON TWITTER FOR INSIDE THOUGHTS AND FUNNY GAME-TIME COMMENTS AT HTTPS://TWITTER.COM/LBSPORTSWRITER
Alabama and the SEC 